June

What a busy, fun filled month it's been! 

The first few days of June found us in Southern New Mexico with Grandma and Grandpa J. In the following weeks, the kids did swimming lessons, the boys started summer school, and Mercy and I had several outings and play dates with friends. I've done inside rides on the trainer at least two or three times each week, and went on two longer rides outside. I made it to the Temple, went visiting teaching, and had a presidency meeting. 

Perhaps the most exciting part of the month was all the camping we did:

Weekend 1: Carlsbad Caverns - whole family, KOA cabin

Weekend 2: Jemez Falls - whole family, two nights established campground

Weekend 3: Fenton Lake area - whole family, off the road car camping

Weekend 4: San Gregorio Lake - Matthew and Hyrum backpacking 

It looks like camping might just be our family's thing. 

I also have to give a shout out to Park Lunch. Mercy and I have gone nearly every week day all month long and I'm so grateful for the program. Sometimes I look at my daily list of things to get done and don't see how I can fit it in, but I think it actually saves me time and energy. When we go, I don't have to prepare or clean up a mid-day meal, Mercy gets a chance to run around and interact with other kids, I am able to interact with other adults, and usually she's very compliant when it comes to quiet time after we've been to the park. On days we stay home, she almost never naps. All too often I forget to look at the blessings and only focus on the sacrifice.

Also, I read a passage in a conference talk that really struck me: We are not here to while away the hours of this life and then pass to a sphere of exaltation; but we are here to qualify ourselves day by day for the positions that our Father expects us to fill hereafter. (George Albert Smith, as quoted by Russell M. Nelson in his talk "The Price of Priesthood Power")

I feel like even though neither myself or my family is going through an identifiably difficult trial, this has been one of the most difficult, trying times of my life. I think I've spent so much of my nearly 35 years in survival mode, just trying to get from one experience to the next, that I've not properly trained myself to live in regards to the grand scheme of life or to really settle in to an every day grind without keeping my eye on when it will end. It's not that I don't like my every day grind. I'm immensely grateful for the privilege of being a wife and mother. I'm happy to serve my family, and recognize that we have been so blessed with Matthew's job and all the benefits that come with it. But so far, my life has been made up of relatively short bursts of effort, followed by change and a new start: High School - 4 years, done. College - 4 years, done. Mission - 18 months, done. Grad School - 5 years, done. While in my life specifically, some of those things took more or less time than the average, the point is that every season so far has had an end goal and then I moved on. While there's certainly a lot of comfort that comes from the stability of my current situation, the seemingly endless duration of it also makes me tired and restless at the same time. I don't want to be the kind of person who is forever thinking, "things will be easier when..." or "I'll be happy when..." I am also fully aware that childhood is fleeting and Mercy will not always be three. In my head and my heart, I know that I am not stuck and there is so much room for growth, happiness, and personal satisfaction, but right now I wake up every morning and the never changing to do list of laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, toilet cleaning, etc. with the background soundtrack of a whining threenager is a weight I'm having a hard time bearing.

I write this mostly to remind myself that perhaps every season feels impossibly endless. In two years, my baby will be in school and my life will have a whole new set of difficulties and joys. I just pray that when I'm feeling the weight of whatever comes next, I will have broadened my perspective and my ability to find in my everyday grind how the Lord is preparing me for all that is to come.