Baby

We'd been praying about having another baby for many months. We'd fasted twice and had each taken the question to the Temple. I started getting baby hungry quite a while ago, but Matthew had been perfectly content with three. We had the big move and all kinds of transitions going on, so we didn't even consider it until after we were settled here in New Mexico. When we prayed about it back in October, Matthew decided he was okay with having more kids, but we both felt strongly like it wasn't the right time. He was worried about my health, and we felt like I needed to be in better shape before getting pregnant. The conversation came up again just a couple months later, and we fasted about it in February. Many of my concerns were resolved and I felt a lot of peace. I had been obsessing way too much over relatively inconsequential details and was able to turn my will over to the Lord's timing. I also felt like the effort I had been putting toward self mastery had shown myself and Heavenly Father that I really was willing do what needed to be done, whatever that might be. Matthew was even more sure that we were supposed to have another child, but again, we both felt that we shouldn't start trying just yet. I was much more at peace about our decision to wait this time, and thought maybe we'd revisit the idea toward the end of the summer. I was in total disbelief when in March the signs started pointing toward pregnancy, and although I decided to take a test to ease my mind, I was absolutely sure it would be negative. It was positive. It took us both a full day to digest the news. Matthew was excited right away, but as much as I had wanted another baby, I was in shock that it happened so soon and without even trying. I was worried that we hadn't been careful enough and had perhaps acted contrary to the revelation we had received. After some fervent prayer and a good night's sleep, I woke up much happier. I felt confirmation that everything was in the Lord's hands and I was honored at the chance to be made a mama again.

I was sicker earlier on than I remember being for the others. Usually the nausea only hits me in the evenings, but I've felt queasy and exhausted all day long since the very beginning. This time around sweets have been unpalatable, milk, especially in the morning, is out of the question, and even the thought of chicken makes me gag. My sense of smell, particularly the smell of dust, is definitely heightened and I've been irritable at the noise and exuberance of the kids. It took me a while to really digest the idea of having a fourth, but the thought of holding a new born baby dispelled any apprehension I may have felt. The increase of love one feels at being part of creating life and seeing that new little person for the first time certainly gives one hope. It is as close to Heaven as it gets.

I went in for my first baby appointment today, at just over 12 weeks along. The doctor couldn't find the heartbeat, so she pulled out the ultrasound machine. Turns out baby had stopped growing at around 7 weeks and there was no heartbeat to be found.

I know miscarriages happen all the time and that it's not the end of the world. They don't happen all the time to me though, and it's okay to be sad. I am. I'm heartbroken. Despite my initial apprehension, I really was thrilled to be rounding out our family and looked very much forward to meeting our new little one. I'm not devastated though. I feel the Lord has things to teach me, and trials are often how that happens. I am sad, but I am at peace.

 One of the more difficult elements of this whole thing is that baby is still in me, so my body still thinks I'm pregnant and is still producing all the hormones that make the first trimester so much fun. That means that not only am I still feeling sick, but at some point my body has to realize that I'm no longer making a baby and it needs to clean things out. According to the ultrasound it's been five weeks, and the longer it takes the greater the risk of infection or complications. The doctor said we can wait another week or so, but if nothing happens naturally some intervention might be necessary. Here's hoping my body will get the memo soon so I can mourn and move on.