Tender Mercies

I'm amazed at how clearly I have seen and felt the Lord's hand in every moment of my life this past week. I was a bit of a wreck the days leading up to Matthew's departure and was sure I would completely fall apart the moment he left. I didn't know how I could possibly handle those two wild children day after day all by myself. I dropped him off and expected to cry all the way home, where I would put the children in front of the tv and proceed to sulk for the rest of the day. However, in an immediate act of kindness and mercy, I felt the Lord's peace fall upon me like a mantle the moment I drove out of the parking lot. It didn't even take the entire 7 minute drive to our house for my eyes to dry, and by the time we pulled into our driveway I was totally at ease with my situation. I've felt powerful manifestations of the Spirit before, but I don't think I've ever experienced such a tangible, abiding sense of calm. Throughout the week I was able to be cool and collected in moments when I'd normally be repeatedly counting to ten in order to keep from yelling or tearing my hair out. It was almost like there was a shield of sorts between me and things that usually stress me out. The week was still long and at times difficult, but still infinitely better than I anticipated. 

Today, however, I rather abruptly reached the end of my rope. Hyrum woke up grumpy, and fought every thing from breakfast to bathing and getting dressed. He yelled at me most of the drive to church, which is partly why I was amazed to find Abraham fast asleep when we arrived. A child falling asleep in less than five minutes to the sound of a screaming sibling does not bode well for an easy three hour church experience, so really I was doomed before I even set foot in the chapel. I made it almost through the passing of the Sacrament before having to literally drag my children into the foyer. I was grateful that a sister nearby offered to clean up the many tiny pieces of paper Hyrum had ripped up and dropped over the back of the pew. Today was Ward Conference, which meant Sacrament meeting ran long. I spent the entire time making Hyrum sit back down on the couch, then chasing Abraham half way down the hall only to return and find my eldest running in circles squealing in an unearthly high pitch. Matthew is able to make him sit quietly when he is taken out of the chapel, but it seemed that all the attending angels in the heavens couldn't keep Hyrum still. At one point both of them were flailing on the floor crying and I seriously considered going home right then. But I needed to get the missionary meal calendar to the RS secretary and they were just beginning the closing hymn so I figured I could manage once Hyrum went to primary. I am grateful that at least Braums waited until Hyrum was dropped off before he started really flipping out. I had already run out of snacks and had nothing else to appease him, so with a writhing, screaming toddler at my feet, I broke down into sobs in the middle of the hallway. I hate crying in public, but I know that even that was a tender mercy. Wonderful sisters rushed to my aid, handing me tissues and offering to tend to my child while I went to Sunday School. Two of them took charge of Abraham and actually talked the nursery leader into letting him start attending four weeks early! I was also able to talk for a few minutes with a sister whose husband leaves for a couple months every summer, and she has 5 kids including twin toddlers. I've thought about her, and another sister in a similar situation, who both seem to handle their circumstances so gracefully. I keep thinking that it shouldn't be so hard if they can do it. But her words were comforting, and I gained a stronger testimony that my perception of other people's trails do not in any way diminish my own. I also do not believe that my melt down in any way diminishes the enduring power I have and will continue to receive. It was in my moment of need that I realized it's okay to have moments of need. It's even okay to have a lot of them. I have such a great support system, and I am grateful that the Lord is ever mindful of me.